Archive for November, 2007


I have a cold for the first time in FOREVER.  I remember why I don’t like to have a cold.  My poor nose is sore, my lips are chapped, my right eye is all watery and droopy.  Nice soft Kleenexes…my kingdom for some nice soft Kleenex. 

On a happier note, I cybershopped like a muthah yesterday and knocked out all the big ticket items.  Mostly.  And it isn’t even December 1.  BOOYAH.  The monumentalness of this feat is HUUUUGE, considering you can usually find me at the SuperTarget 3 days before Christmas, running around like a sweaty madman. 

Oh, an addendum to the last post.  That should really read HEARD in my backyard on a Friday night, as said conversation had to practically be yelled to be heard over ‘Sweet Home Alabama.’  Just in case you had me pictured in your head leaning against the fence with a glass pressed to my ear 😉

It’s great having a backyard that is R rated.  Bring the kids, we’ll roast marshmallows.


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Random Guy:  No shit, a few years back I hadda go to rehab.  They made me go to the toilet and take my dick out and pee.

Wife of the Neighbor:  Your WHOLE DICK?

Random Guy:  Hell yeah!  I told them he could hold it and I had more!

The Neighgbor, aka Pritchard (Prick + Richard):  Hold on, I gotta get a cigarette!

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The Thanksgiving Blessings

I’ve never been good at praying out loud.  Truth be told, I’ve never been that good at even talking out loud.  I think about what I’d like to say really well.  I write what I want to say really well.  The written word has very often in my life been the only way I’ve been able to communicate my feelings at all.

 But this year I think it is time for me to find my voice at the Thanksgiving table and actually speal aloud the things I am grateful for this Thanksgiving 2007…

 Like that’s going to happen…

This Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for.  I am so thankful for the “promotion” I received a few months ago that has allowed me the opportunity to once again see the light at the end of the tunnel and finally get the Boy the Nintendo DS he’s been searching Ebay for this past year…but only from 5-star sellers.

I’m forever grateful for the Mr. , who, despite the fact that I’m fat and greying and have hairs growing from my chin at an alarming rate, he loves me.  He loves me when he has to go looking for underwear in the morning and he loves me when the house looks exactly like it did when he left for work when he comes home after work, even when it is my day off, and he loves me when I am a bitch.

To simply say I’m thankful for my amazing children would be a gross understatement.  The fact that I have the RCG who is content looking for the dream job while working full time subbing — and playing Guitar Hero III in every spare moment — instead of going clubbing/dating losers/making me a grandmother at 42…well, it would be an understatement to say how thankful I am for that.

I’m so grateful for my Longhorn, who has absolutely taken Austin, TX, and UT, by the horns.  I am so thrilled she has found a group of friends who also think it is more fun to have “The Office” parties and bake cookies than do keg stands, and I’m so thankful that she isn’t clubbing/dating losers/making me a grandmother at 42.

Thankful doesn’t begin to describe my feelings about the College Freshman (aka the best PRAY-ER EVER…yes, she did the table blessing again today…what a good little Baptist girl).  She has done so well at schooland I’m so proud of her.  She’s so blessed with a great group of friends who take care of each other.  She’s always here or there having tea parties or going to the movies.  She is doing great academically and socially and has really embraced the experience.  For that, I am thankful.

As for the Junior, I’m thankful for her newfound work ethic.  After the unfortunate hiatus in band due to a rather unforutnate grade last six weeks, she came back in three weeks and had a grade of 95 in Algebra II.  She makes me laughu all thue timue anud I’m thankful for all the times we have laughing.  She “gets me” and for that I am thankful.

Oh, The Boy…I’m so grateful for this Boy that has graced our lives.  I’m thankful for his sense of humor and how he just always “gets it.”  I’m thankful that even though he has old, lazy, complacent parents, he says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and does his homework without being told and doesn’t fuss about going to school or going to bed.  I’m grateful that God has his hand on this boy and he’s led his lazy, old, complacent parents to church.  I’m thankful that even though he wants a Wii and a Nintendo DS and this game anhd that game, he will be thrilled with anything he gets for Christmas.  In short, I am grateful that he is so grateful.

Lostly, I’m thankful for our beautiful turkey and green bean casserole and broccoli and rice casserole and mashed potatoes and gravy.  I’m thankful that for the first time in years I will go to bed tonight without having to wake up to a kitchen full of dirty dishes, thanks go this wonderful family who washed their dishes after dinner. 

So, yeah, I bitch and complain about money and work and our crappy plumbing and our crappy electrical system and traiffic and the whiney parents on TLC, but make no mistake, I am hugely aware of how blessed I am. 

I have been blessed with an upbringing that has well equipped me to deal with a less than full checking account.  I am blessed to live among these amazing children and a husband who loves me, warts and chin hairs and all.

So, this Thanksgiving 2007, I am able to say in short…

I am grateful.

OH WAIT!!!  Also, I am thankful that it was COLD today and WE HAD SNOW!!!

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Videos!  I finally figured out how to work the camera!  Hush, I can’t help it if I’m sort of a “point and shoot” type of girl.  

Okay, this is our Ghoul on Halloween. He was 1 of 1250.  Next year I’m getting creative.  I swear.  Note the mowers in the background.  They are broken.  Don’t they make nice lawn art?  Actually, this is the side of the yard where the Boy swings on ropes and ruins shoes.  Nothing has ever grown on that side of the yard because it is just too shady.  Maybe one day when we’re old and the kids are gone we’ll throw down some ground cover or rocks or something, but for now, this works.  Special appearance by the RCG.

This is Max the Bigass Cat.  He prefers to get his drink on like this.  I know, I know, he shouldn’t be on the table.  You tell him, then.  He’s a Bigass Cat and does just about whatever he wants to.

The Boy apparently conned his father into taking him to the Card and Party Factory for a balloon some helium.

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I am a word person. I work with words…medical words. It is my job to correct other people’s mistakes and insert at least enough punctuation into your medical report to make it readable. I belong to a community in LiveJournal call grammar_whores and I’m proud of it. I know when to use a semicolon correctly, as well as the ever challenging ‘hanging hyphen,’ which you use when you want to say something like ‘Tom, haven’t you had this rash for a 2- to 3-month period now?’

I am not, however, a bitch about it. I don’t go on message boards or blogs and make fun of people because they aren’t as grammatically gifted…mainly because in my bitchier past, every time I did that I would inevitably spell something wrong or use no punctuation and then get myself a newly ripped asshole for making fun of someone else’s mistake when I was obviously an idiot…and a bitch, too.


Have you SEEN Craigslist.com?

After finding a sheepadoodle puppy at a rescue and deciding that yes, YES, I did really want a puppy after all, contrary to what I said the other day.  Well, you can imagine my surprise, nay, SHOCK, when the nice lady emailed me the next day and told me that for 750 large I could sure have me one of those sheepadoodles.  She  went on to say that she was hoping the sale of these four pups would keep her in ridiculously expensive dog food for the winter.

$750!?!?!  SERIOUSLY?  For $750 I’m pretty sure I could buy a sheepdog AND a poodle and make my own damn sheepadoodles!

That’s what I wanted to say, along with good luck with that, but instead I thanked her kindly and declined her generous offer…

and let go of my visions of the boy romping around in the backyard with a sheepadoodle.

Then it hit me!  Check craigslist.com!  You can buy anything off craigslist.com!  So I did and it’s true.  They have a pets section where you can “adopt for a small rehoming fee” everything from pop belly pigs…

I have 7 pop belly pigs someone just gave me and i can’t take care of that many. i would like rehoming for 35.00 for the care only. they are babys and don’t know much about them. i have five kids to feed of my own. i need homes for pop belly pigs asap. please help find them homes. why 35.00 dollars is because that the money taking off the food table. please call me after 4:00 p.m. at ***-***-****. i think they are 5 weeks old and i will try too get pictures later.

to agressive rat snakes…

I have a 3 1/2 foot aggresive rat snake, he will bite. I need to find him a new home. I would just release him, but I have a 5 year old daughter and don’t wan’t him hanging around outside. I would prefer that he goes to someone experienced in handling/rehabing snakes, and am asking a small re-homing fee to help weed out the people who won’t take care of him. If you are interested please call ***-***-**** and ask for Jeremiah.

Still can’t find what you’re looking for?  Put your own ad and be specific about it like this lady did…

We are looking for a boxer for our son we will pay a rehoming fee if need to be
it could be a puppy or a grown dog you can also do a back grown check if you want to we will love the boxer like he or she is one of our own kids my husband knows alot about the boxer breed his mom and dad have a male and a female and they had them for 5 years and 9 years ..
ok if you have a boxer you can email me and we will return you mail asap

To put it simply…I’m obsessed.  I just cannot stop reading them.  It’s more than looking for a dog now.  Now it’s bizarre entertainment.  It’s like I am trying to see how much I can take before my head explodes.

And another thing.  This “rehoming” thing.  I get it…you just found out your kid/you/your wife/your other animals is suddenly “allergic” to Rufus.  I get it…you have suddenly been transferred to Nigeria and can’t take Rex.  I get that you got the dog for little Sally, but lo and behold, come to find out a 2-year-old doesn’t know how to take care of a puppy.  I get that your wife is pregnant and not a multitasker, so you need to “rehome” your adorable, crate trained, neutered, all shots up to date, chiweenie for a low rehoming cost of $350. 

But can we just call it what it is please?  You are SELLING your beloved pet.  SELLING it. 


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