Archive for the ‘babies’ Category

Monday’s Militant Mom Rants

Why is it exactly that the militant breastfeeders can’t just say “I’m going to feed the baby.”  Why do they always have to say “I’m going to breastfeed the baby” or as it is known online sometimes, BF or BFing.  You know the ones.  They’re the ones who blow a gasket at the hospital if the nursery dares to even put a pacifier NEAR the baby since that will confuse the baby and the baby won’t want to BF, thus plunging the mom into lifelong depression because she was a failure at the BFing.  I mean, seriously,  some of these gals are probably working on the blueprints for some sort of doohicky so that they can also make apple juice come out of the right one and white grape juice out of the other so the kid won’t EVER want to leave the tit.  Oh, and they like to call it “Boob Juice,” which also irritates the hell out of me for some reason.

And please don’t misunderstand.  Every one of my kids had benefit of the boob.  I just wasn’t obsessed with it.  My world wouldn’t have ended had one of them…say…contacted a severe case of nipple confusion and refused the boob altogether.  I’d go so far to say that by The Boy’s turn, the decision to BF was more directly related to my pocketbook and laziness than because “BREAST IS BEST” or because if I BFed then I could have a super cool animated LiveJournal icon that flashed “I Make MILK, what’s YOUR super power?”  It’s great trick our bodies do and it is good for babies, I’m just saying the militant types sorta grate on my nerves just a little bit.

The cloth diapering militia are another bunch that make my head hurt.  Like the BFers, they can’t ever say “I have to stop reading blogs now to go change the baby.”  Nope.  It’s gotta be “I have to stop reading blogs now to go change my baby’s tie-dyed, prefolded, cloth diaper.”  I don’t recall ever in all of my 4 babies’ infancies a one of them ever having any sort of “reaction” to disposable diaper of any brand.  And believe me, I tried every kind and the kind I bought a lot of times had only to do with the bottom line…


And yes, I know that my using Huggies probably shaved 15 years of mother Earth’s life and all…

but if I had another kid tomorrow, you can bet your ass that his ass would be nice and dry in a nice disposable diaper.

Lots of the folks in the cloth diapering communities are also into making homemade sanitary napkins and sponge tampons and what not, but talking about it makes me throw up a little in my mouth, so…I won’t.

But back to babies, on my Mondays off, I quite often zone out to TLC or Discovery Health.

I’m way past having babies, but for some reason, I’ll still watch A Baby Story (or any other show that involves lots of pushing and breathing and squishy babies being born) anytime it is on.  So, this morning it was this doula mother kavetching because she was 42 weeks and 2 days pregnant and her midwife wanted to do an induction and she didn’t want to do an induction, she wanted her baby to decide on her own birthday and she needed a “healing birth” to make up for the terrible, horrible first birth when -due to medical complications-they decided to go ahead and do a cesarean to SAVE THE BABY’S LIFE.  God this woman just went on and on about how she had to have a “natural birth.” 

Now, I’ve had 4 pregnancies and 4 different deliveries.  The first one, I was 20 and in labor for about 2 days.  I was scared shitless, but thanks to the mandatory enema, being scared didn’t have a thing to do with that. 

RCG had to be “assisted” by these huge salad tongs they call forceps.  Her head resembed a squishy tomato.  But the cord was wrapped around her neck and her heart rate was dropping so of course I was all like GET THE KID OUT ALREADY DAMMIT.  Oh, and with that one, all I had in the way of anesthesia was a shot of something that made me feel like sleeping and puking at the same time. No fun.

My favorite Longhorn also liked how she looked with the cord draped around her neck.  So much so she decided 2 loops would be good.  She didn’t require any implements to get out, though, and was my only completely drug-free, implement-free birth.  No one came to award me the Best Birther award, though.

With the Junior, well, we found out the week she was due, when my darling doctor Jerry, who I was in “pregnant woman love” with, reached on up there and made this declaration:

“Uh oh.”

Seems she’d decided at some point between A and B to sit up for a while and what he was feeling wasn’t a head but a foot.   At any rate, Dr. Who Always Smelled like Dial Soap sent me home to do what I could to encourage the wee babe to flip around, which consisted mainly of me laying with my face on the floor with my ass in the air, belly hanging all askimbo.

I know, what a visual.

Anyway, that didn’t work, they had to turn her from the outside and do an immediate induction…then before the Pitocin even kicked in:


here drink this shit- we’re just going to put this catheter in – breathe in – injection  – sleep sleep sleep. 

As it turns out, she didn’t have a cord around her neck, but she did have a knotted one.  No one there had ever seen one, so folks were called in to see the Amazing Knotted Umbilical Cord and my innards, apparently.

With the boy, I went the epidural route and practically had him unassisted.  No biggie.

My point is this.  Bottom line…I got 4 healthy babies out of it.  Had I chosen to not listen to the health care providers I CHOSE, the end result would have been very different for 2 of my girls. 

To me, it just seems like some of these gals are more concerned about HOW their babies arrive than the actual arrival part.

Anyway, I ramble and have largely forgotten exactly what my point was going to be when I started this (not unlike when I find myself standing in the kitchen and I get a cup of coffee, only to come back to the office to sit down and remember I’d gone into the kitchen for a glass of water).

And yes, I know I could have just changed the damn channel, but then how could I lie on my couch and feel superior 😉


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