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Archive for June, 2008

There is one thing…

that I cannot do.

I can lie.  I can tell people their butt doesn’t look fat in those pants.  I can tell people that their casserole is tasty.  And when I was a kid, I could always tell my dear mother that I was going to the movies with Sue, when really we were just going to troll around Glen Rose and wind up at the drags til way after curfew drinking other people’s beer.  

I can gossip.  I’m sad to say that I am not above knowing what is going on with Jan and Steve and what happens when Steve goes away on his business trips.  

I even covet sometimes.  Sometimes I covet other people’s fancy houses and fancy pools and fancy cars.  

And don’t tell Ms. Hart, but one time I cheated on a test in high school honors’ English…well, here’s the thing…I didn’t cheat   cheat…but I did sneak a peak at my notes to make sure my answer was right, WHICH IT WAS…while she stepped out for a minute.

But what i cannot do is steal.  Well, one time when I was about 7, I stole a yoyo from White’s Auto in Glen Rose when Mother and I were there to make a payment on the little color TV she was buying ‘on time.’  However, the minute I walked out of the store, I was struck with such guilt that I dropped it on the way home and vowed to my little self that i would never, ever do that again.  

So, in junior high, when some of my friends turned into regular Stealy McStealerson’s, it became immediately apparent that i was going to have to distance myself from these girls.  Now, remember, back in the 70s, there weren’t those annoying detectors at the door of Bill’s Dollar Store, so that when Modesta, who had a penchant for stealing sunglasses (and was audacious enough to take orders if you wanted some), there was no beeping going on when she strolled out with 6 pairs of purloined sunshades in her purse.  Back then, to get caught proper, you had to really be stupid and like wear a trench coat into Bill’s Dollar Store and literally have stuff fall out of it on your way out the door to get caught…like what happened to Tsh Harper (pronounced Tish).  Ol’ Tish got busted with a shitload of school supplies, no less.  

Of note, Tsh was not a poor girl who couldn’t afford her school supplies.

At any rate, I just never ‘got’ the fun of stealing from people.  Who knows, maybe I paid special attention that day at Bible School when we learned how stealing was wrong.

So, that brings me to today at Wal-Mart, for my weekly shopping trip to get stuff like a new  mop, some shorts for the boy, a new toaster, some L’Oreal 5G, tampons, shampoo and conditioner, and some Cover Girl Rejuvinest makeup, oh, and dog food…you know, shit you just NEED.  I checked out in Angie’s line and loaded up the belt with all my stuff, checked out, and re-entered the sauna that was outside to load my booty into the MPV.  

As I got to the bottom of the cart, I realized that the much-needed Cover Girl Rejuvinist makeup hadn’t made it to checkout, as it fell down and under a sale paper in the corner of the cart.  As it happened, the cart wranglers were out wrangling while I was putting my cart back, so I said to the one guy, ‘Hey, this (while I held out the makeup) didn’t get scanned, so could y’all carry it back in for me?’

So, Bubba pulls his earplugs out and says “HUH?”

I repeated myself, explaining that the makeup hadn’t been paid for, hadn’t been scanned, had been missed in the cart, and could they just bring it back in and put it in the returns bin for me…

Again, they looked at me like WTF?

Like it was absolutely foreign to him that I wouldn’t want to just take something I hadn’t paid for.  

Years ago, the same thing happened to me at the Winn-Dixie when I took a package of cheese back in after i loaded up the groceries…the guy at the service desk looked at me like I was a nut for bringing in a package of sliced cheese rather than just taking it home.  

Call me crazy, but I just couldn’t do it.  

Oh, and when the cashier, albeit at the sno cone stand or the grocery store or the poor girl yesterday at Payless, gives me back more change than she/he is supposed to, I give it back.

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Charlie Bartlett

you have to see this movie…you especially have to see this movie if you have ever been in high school and just didn’t fit in…you  have to see this movie if you have come from a completely fucked up family…you have got to see this movie if you’ve been diagnosed with ADD and you don’t have ADD…you have to see this movie if you know you don’t have ADD, yet you know how to get prescriptions to get ADD meds, which, incidentally, isn’t that hard to do…you have to see this movie if you were ever the one who never quite fit in…

because this movie is the best movie I have watched in a very, very long time, when it comes down to movies about how much it can suck to be in high school and have no one understand you and the miriad of problems that you might have.

I think the last time a ‘high school movie’ touched me like this movie would have been “The Breakfast Club.”

And that is saying something, since I am a total sucker for John Hughes and his brilliance.

This movie is one of the few, of late, where I will just re-watch it the minute it is over.

So, here’s my endorsement.  Watch Charlie Bartlett…because…

1.  It is just worth doing it.

2.  Robert Downey, Jr. is absolutely beautiful and if I am ever single again, I will want to marry him.  Because he is beautiful.

3.  It is brilliance and it will make you remember what it is like to be in high school, even if you went to high school before Ritalin and Xanax and all the other Rx drugs that make us functional nowadays. 

Final words…this movie = brilliance and it made me cry x 2. 

And Robert Downey, jR. is about the prettiest thing EVER, to say nothing about how he is going to make you CRY like a big fat baby.

and  if you don’t…you might want to check your soul to make sure you haven’t sold it to the bad guy…

Or maybe I’m just a sucker for a teacher-ish/student-ish sort of movie. 

You decide…but I want to hear about it, one way or the other.  Did you love it?  Did you hate it?   Why?

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Anniversary 2008

Ten years ago tonight, Rob and I were in the sparkly city of Las Vegas…the other city that never sleeps.  Rob’s brother, Ron, and his 21-year-old then wife, Summer, met us at The Rio and put us up for two nights in the first 300-dollar hotel suite I’d ever stayed in.  Oh my GAWD we had a view like no other.  We even had a 4-cup coffee maker…AND AN IRON.  We also had a pretty sweet bathroom with a glass wall so that when you took a shower you could look out into the bedroom and see the big television.  The sheets were sumptuous and are probably the reason why i have a lust for high thread count.

Needless to say, Vegas to this small-town girl was an eye opener…it was like Chuck-E-Cheese for grownups.  I found the noise and the jingly and the sparkly and the colors and the girls in no clothes and the parents wagging their babies around Freemont Street at 11 p.m. a little much to digest.  I think over the weekend, we spent a whopping 5 bucks on a slot machine. 

And that was enough for me.  To me, I just work too hard for my money to gamble.

At any rate, on June 26th, Vegas time, we stood in line at the court house, along with kids with backpacks and pretty young girls in wedding dresses and old people.  I was 34 and Rob 41. 

We had the luxury of standing in line with these kids who were about to change their lives forever, knowing without a doubt we knew what we were doing.  I can’t tell you how much I wanted to take the girl with the backback over to the side and have a talk.  She couldn’t have been 19. 

When it was our turn, Ron and Summer and Rob and i went into the JP’s office.  She was a sweet lady who offered a little platter with a red paper heart doily for us to lay our rings on, the rings that I bought at a kiosk at Hulen Mall from a fellow named Abdul…I lucked on to a 2-for-1 deal for a whopping 75 dollars.

 And amazingly enough, this little JP was able to make an 11:37 p.m. wedding ceremony in Vegas meaningful and sweet, and Rob and I exchanged traditional vows in front of Ron and Summer and the Little JP, complete with shaking voices and shaking hands.

Afterwards, we strolled Fremont Street and saw more parents who had somehow decided that Las Vegas was a place for a family vacation and trolling Fremont Street with sleepy, cranky babies seemed like a good idea…of course, their 65-ounce Hurricanes they were pulling on probably made it seem like an even better idea. 

I have to say that I was not all that impressed with Vegas.  I found it to be an unbearable sensory overload.  But I will always have a sweet spot for it, and for that sweet suite, and for Hoover Dam, and for all the ladies running around in wedding dresses…because that is the place where I became the Mrs. to my Mr. 

As I mentioned yesterday, Rob thought it was yesterday and he brought me some cool Crocs and a sweet card.  We’ve always given ourselves a window of the 26th or 27th, due to the whole time difference.  Our anniversary is the 26th if you go Vegas time…but here, it is the 27th.  So what, for him it was yesterday and he remembered.  Today, I gave him a sweet card and a sweet anti-gravity chair to lounge in while he watches TV/naps in the shed.  Oh, as well as this handy dandy bug zapper that is shaped like a little tennis racket and zaps junebugs at a rate of 3200 watts or however they measure it. 

All I can say is that the junebugs that usually dive bomb me while I sit here and try to write must know I have this bad boy…because, amazingly…there are none tonight.

Was it a super romantic celebration of our 10th? 

Nah. 

But you know, we have a relationship where love and respect and adoration isn’t really saved for ‘special’ days like Valentine’s Day and our Anniversary.  And when asked if i was going to get flowers for our big day, when I said no, I was fine with that…because i would rather be loved every single day of the year by a genuinely good man who loves me more than I have ever been loved, than get a big bouquet of flowers for Valentine’s Day and our anniversary and have to deal with someone who treats me like shit the rest of the year. 

Yeah, I’m good with a card and some crocs…and he is good (believe me how good, he’s napping over there) with an anti-gravity lawn chair to nap in. 

Yes, we have evolved from that sickeningly sweet couple that made everyone want to poke us with sharp things into a very comfortable, happy pair that knows somehow that we would appreciate Crocs and a nice reclining chair…and a bug zapper tennis racket.

Exotic?  Romantic?  Glamorous?

No.

Loving?  Considerate?   Caring?

Yes.

Yeah, it’s safe to say that I am happy.  I have come to find that happiness isn’t a big diamond or a big wedding or a fancy house or 75-dollar flower arrangements.  To me, happy is having a partner shows me he loves and respects me every day…not just a select few throughout the year.  To me, happy is knowing that I have a husband who thinks I am the smartest, prettiest fat girl he’s ever loved.  To me…

this is happy.

I hope that little girl with the backpack, standing in line at the JP’s office with us at 11:30 p.m. in Vegas, has found the same happiness in her young life. 

I wouldn’t trade this for the world.

Happy Anniversary, Rob.  I adore you.

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Well, after a blissfully chilly day yesterday, our AC unit decided today that it didn’t like making us so cool.  For whatever reason, some time overnight it decided to freeze up again.  We struggled with it today, turning it on and turning it off and letting the snowcone that builds up on that little pipe melt off and on all day, only to keep it marginally liveable.  Fans, once again, became our best friends today. 

The good news, if there is any, is that the beautiful Kelby came back out and looked at it…puzzled, since the pressures and all that AC stuff seemed great yesterday.  I’m a little bit afraid that tomorrow, when he comes back out, once the huge snowcone is melted, he is going to find something absolute heinous.  Like our relatively ‘new’ AC unit has just decided to stop living…like it has decided that it’s life’s blood, freon, no longer gives it what it wants anymore…like you can pump all the freon you want in me but I’m giving up…replace my whole guts and maybe we’ll talk.

So, if you are praying people, say a prayer for my poor AC unit, who may have given up the ghost.

The bad news is that we have another night of being HOTT, but not in a good way. 

The good news is that some little rogue storm is trying it’s hardest to form right over the top of us and the wind is blowing and there are raindrops…it just really needs to pony up and be a big boy storm with LOTS of wind and COOLNESS. 

The bad news is that these little storms are so fast moving that whatever cool and wind and rain comes, it probably isn’t going to be enough to get us through this hot and steamy night. 

As for another note, tomorrow is our anniversary.  Now, last year both of us actually just FORGOT.  If I remember correctly, it was about a week later before I even realized it.  What can I say…it was an intense time for me for work and my calendar was often covered up with Max, the Bigass Cat, or various plates or bowls or coffee cups.  I was relatively mortified by the fact that i’d forgotten, yet couldn’t be pissed that he’d forgotten.  We made ourselves feel better by saying ‘hey, it was only the ninth.’ 

So, this year we made sure to kind of give each other the head’s up working up to tomorrow.  Only, Rob thought it was today, even though it is tomorrow…even so, he brought me a sweet, sweet card and some nerdy crocs for my fat, swollen, splayed out feet to wear.  All i could say was FINALLY!  A shoe that is shaped like my poor duckfeet.  It’s going to take some getting used to, what with all the little nobby things poking my soles, but overall, i give them two thumbs up.  And, hey, he got some, too, so we match.

Perhaps we can both wear our navy blue crocs when we sneak off for an anniversary lunch on saturday…and maybe we’ll wear shorts with ankle socks…white ankle socks. 

So we look really nerdy.

*reminder – say a prayer for our ailing AC unit*

 

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Of being HOTT…

with two Ts. 

Why am I hot with two Ts, you might ask…well, it’s because our air conditioner has been out since yesterday morning.  It has literally been cooler outside than inside now for 48 hours. 

Of course, there was not one single AC company who could come out today, with the earliest time anyone could come out being tomorrow morning.  We’re making do with lots of fans to blow on us as we sit as still as we possibly can in the meantime. 

The fun thing about this little AC outtage of ’08, is that me and the kids have played Guitar Hero A LOT today…it’s really the first time I’ve played for real, and I’m here to tell you that i do NOT rock.  Well, I did rock one time today against the Boy, but he was playing on Medium and me on EASY, so I don’t really count it.  I can definitely see how this is video game crack for the kids, though.  It’s FUN, y’all!

I don’t know how many times i said today ‘okay, just one more time.’

I was glad that I was off today and could play…if nothing else, it took our minds off the fact that we were melting. 

Here in the shed, it is a probably a frosty 90 degrees, but it beats the hell out of the balmy 95 inside.  UMHB and the Boy have actually just dispatched themselves to Sonic for a frosty drink.  The Teacher, who has been dispatched to her Dad’s place was going to come over earlier to shower…until I told her that when she got out of the shower she would immediately be covered in sweat…therein making the shower a mute point.

Here’s the thing about tomorrow, when Kelby the AC guy comes…he is going to see carpet in the hallway that is largely just lab hair…like a lab hair carpet…not because i like it that way, but more because that swatch of hall carpet is the last bit in the whole house and we don’t have a vacuum that works anymore, since we’ve gotten rid of all the carpet (except in the hall).  I suppose i could go in there with the hand vac and vacuum, but dammit, that would make me sweat like a pig…and I’ve done that today just loading the dishwasher. 

I’m going to just trust that he’s probably been in houses a lot more unkempt than some lab hair in the hall…and hope he doesn’t put us in the category of ‘gross.’

And hopefully, by the time he charges us up with some freon, I will be able to load the dishwasher without breaking a sweat again.

I mean, I like being hot..in a good way…it’s just this is hot…not in a good way…not in a good way at all.

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I’m going to go on record here and say that I think Dead Like Me was one of the most brilliant programs ever put on television.  I fear that I have just watched the last one (on rerun after SNL).  If it was the last one, I wonder what I’ll do with myself on Saturday nights. 

Now, I realize the premise is sort of far reaching…I realize that there are probably not ‘reapers’ who get their jobs to reap people at a coffee shop on post-it notes, and when they get their ‘jobs,’ they come to where you are and nicely touch your forearm and a silvery, smoky shadow rolls over you 3 minutes before you die. 

However, I gotta say that I love the premise.  I mean, what would be nicer than to be ‘reaped’ by a nice person who is gonna walk you through the next steps of your afterlife. 

I know, I know…as a used-to-be Baptist and a now Methodist, and I know that isn’t how it works…but as as a show goes…I rather like the idea that before you meet grandma at the shiny light, you get a little heads up as to what is going on. 

If I could pick my personal Reaper, it would be Rube.  Last week, he had to reap his own daughter…only she was an old lady in a nursing home and he was still young, like he was her daddy…complete with him rubbing her little forehead before she went to sleep…

Okay.  Stop.  Way too vested in Dead Like Me.  But I’m just saying, this program is worth watching…if you like Pushing Daisies and stuff that is just a little bit dark, but still makes you wanna cry sometimes…and laugh…this is show is worth watching, even though it is old and has been off the air for a long time.  you can watch it proper on netflix.com. 

Just do it.

On other fronts, I have spent a decent amount of time today researching vacation houses in South Padre Island for our last big family whoopteedoo next summer.  It’ll be the Senior’s last summer before she goes off to college, much like our last big family whoopteedoo the year that The Teacher was a newly graduated senior and i wanted to squeeze out some family time before she went off to school.

The marked difference is that this year, some five years later, a week in SPI is going to go for a considerably bigger rater than back then…and the biggest difference is this…i can look at the prices and say…WHO GIVES A SHIT. 

Not to be undelicate, but I’m about to be DEBT FREE MOTHER FUCKERS…which means that all the dollars I’ve been throwing the direction of credit card companies is fixing to be ALL MINE…let me reiterate…ALL FREAKIN MINE. 

So…if i wanna get some pimped out condo in SPI for a week for us all to converge and chill on the beach…it’s all good. 

And this isn’t even bragging, y’all.  i know lots of you probably don’t think twice about renting some phat place on the beach for a week, but for years i have struggled, so i feel relatively entitled to be sort of like

BOO YAH FUCKING DEBT.  I OWN YOU NOW.

And this is what I preach to the girls…STAY AWAY FROM THE CREDIT CARD DEBT. 

Living on cash is so much sweeter.  you can look at all you buy and not have to worry about how to pay for it…for years to come.

Wait. I’ve gone off on a rant again. 

Stop.

Okay, so let’s boil it down and go to bed.  First, I give my wholehearted endorsement to Dead Like Me, if you sorta like dark drama-comedy, and second, i am excited about securing the yub-ward clan someplace to converge next summer sometime for one last HOO HA before the Longhorn goes off to NYC…really, that’s our only deciding factor, since the Teacher is going to be on our schedule and the UMHB kids are going to be easy to work around.  and when it boils down, i just want the Boy to have another fun vacation at the beach…I wanna see that kid boogie-boarding in the surf again. 

but this time I’ll do it without maxing out every credit card I’ve got to make it happen.

and because of that…I sleep easy…

I never fucking thought this day would ever get here. 

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crazy or not?

I have, the last few days, been having a difficult time with my ‘black mood.’  I characterize these little spells like this…it is when my brain goes to deep, dark places to contemplate numerous and sundry different horrible scenarios…like

If I die, who is going to take care of the Boy.  Who will make sure he has a shower, does his homework, eats…I know that the Mr. will be here, but still, what if he forgets?

If the Mr dies, how in the world would I tell UMHB and the Boy.  How would I fill that gap in their life that he will leave.  

If I’m not here who will fill out the kids’ FAFSA forms.  I’m the only one who knows how to do it and where the PINs are.  

Of course, so as to make myself NOT crazy, I realize where all this is coming from…first, from some pretty ugly dreams I’ve been having of late.  Secondly, Rob is sick and I don’t really do so well when he is sick.  Third, I have this uncomfortableness in my left ribcage area that has come out of nowhere and anyone who knows me will know that I immediately think kidney cancer metastacized to the lung. 

I seriously cannot help it and I can’t explain it.  All I know is that I type every day, all day, about people who go to the doctor with  a weird feeling in their hip, who find out they are DOOMED. 

And this has made me so doctor phobic, you wouldn’t even believe.  

And do not ask me when the last time I went to the doctor that was not an acute, severe problem.

Add to this that I know, now, that my family history, well, the more i get to know of it, it just sucks.  

And I am seriously trying, really, really trying, to psych myself out to just bite the bullet and go get some stuff done.  Because i know that I need very much to be here for a goodly portion of time in order to get the Boy to an age where he can fend for himself…

Oh, let me add this.  About 5 years ago, I did bite the bullet and went in for some blood work and a visit with the picked from the pamphlet doctor (incidentally, not the best way to choose your physician).  He and I had a visit about stuff…and he tells me I need to lose like 20 pounds.  

So, the next time i had to go in because my sciatica was making my life absolute misery, the first thing this doc did was look at my chart, then look at me and he said:

“Well, I see that I told you to lose some weight, and i see you have done exactly the opposite.”

While frowning, he said this.

So, yeah, it didn’t really make me super excited to go back and be frowned at again…I’m too much of a people pleaser to go do that.  

Anyway, bottom line is this.  i have got to pony up and be a big girl, swallow hard, and go in and get some stuff done that will (or maybe not) confirm (or maybe not) all the stuff i think is probably wrong with me, even though, for the most part, I feel pretty good most of the time.  

It comes with the territory of medical transcription and listening to every worst case scenario you can imagine, but I really need to get the hell over it.  

If someone can tell me how to get that done…well, I’m open to hear it. 

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