You know, I don’t really remember exactly how i felt last New Year’s day, but I doubt it was like this. If I’m being honest, this whole holiday season has felt so forced.
I made the turkey and the casseroles at Thanksgiving…and it just felt off.
When December came, I put out my snowmen and decorated the tree…alone…while listening to Michael Buble’s Christmas album. I made 10,000 truffles and then I dipped them in white chocolate and drizzled them with dark chocolate OR dipped them in dark cholate, then drizzled them with white chocolate. I made batch after batch of fire crackers. I put out my nativities, and added a new one I found at Big Lots for $10. I did all those things and it still just felt off.
As we entered the holiday season of 2010, things were good. I was still in a warm, fuzzy place after going on my walk to Emmaus, which for lack of better words, is a church retreat sort of thing, my daughter and her new husband made their first trip home for the holidays from California, and Rob’s treatment was scheduled to end soon. As I sat at our Christmas Eve services at church last year, with all of my family there with me, my heart was happy and full and peaceful.
Nothing felt off.
In May, I graduated with my Associates Degree after deciding to go back to school in 2009. It was so fun!
The heat got turned up pretty quick after that and we entered a summer to rival the summer of 1980 as far as numbers of days over
150 100 degrees and everyone was tired.
In August, I got the bright idea to stop being afraid and finally go to the doctor and get caught up on all the maintenance stuff that most normal people do on a yearly basis. About mid August that began and it stretched on and on because one test led to another test to another test to an echocardiogram to a colonoscopy to a followup mammogram. August went to September, September to October, and there I was, still on the prayer list.
More than a few times I wondered if I’d made the wrong decision to turn over this new grownup leaf. After all, there hadn’t been anything wrong with me to begin with. I felt FINE. I was HEALTHY. I wasn’t SICK.
With August also came Fall semester and Geology, Geography, and this math class that I had to have before transferring to my next program. All of these classes were supposed to be practically one step above basket weaving.
They were not.
Last semester was the hardest semester of my entire college career…and I was trying to do it while trying hard not to concentrate too much on the next medical test and its possible outcomes…and failing miserably at it.
It seemed if I wasn’t trying to get through the next medical procedure, I was trying to get through the next paper, or next exam, or next teaching module.
Then, Rob relapsed and we found out he would have to go back on his chemotherapy. Then it became if i can get through HIS next labs and HIS next doctor appointment.
And if that wasn’t all enough, some time after I decided to take control of my physical health, I also decided to take control of my dental health, which I’d been neglecting for years after the only dentist I’d really ever had as an adult passed away unexpectedly…so then it became if I can get through the next dental appointment and the next dental procedure.
If I could just get through that maybe I can breathe…whatever that may be.
The last appointment, and the one I had actually given the least amount of concern over, was in October with the OB/GYN to follow up on if i was or if i was not in menopause…and of course, nothing was routine. I knew this to be the case when the ultrasonographer asked in rather hushed tones if I had been “tender down here.”
Having had 4 kids and probably 16 looks at my uterus over the years, I know pretty much what we’re looking for when we are looking and right away I could tell that what we were seeing wasn’t a normal, empty uterus. In fact, there appeared to be a baby head in there. or a fibroid-y thing and one more thing I just had to get through before i could breathe.Then, in November, my company sold to the worst transcription mogul company there is, so on top of all THAT, I began looking for a new job…and if I could just get through that…
Then, on top of all THAT, the little company I worked for was sold to the worst transcription mogul company there is, so I began looking for a new job…and if I could just get through that…
The endometrial biopsy was neither normal nor definitive, so next up is an MRI…and if I can get through that…
So, I guess it isn’t a big surprise that I’ve felt a little off…
I don’t think I’ve taken a breath since August.